Revolver

Gosh, after i log in back to this ID, i found out i have so much blog have not been delete..
and i was so young back then, ignorance, naive and sad..

Then i do not know why i am here making another one blog i wished it to be a silent one..
i think i get a bit more wiser through days.. what i mean is i get wiser but not smarter..
Right now, i am releasing a loud sigh of speechless to whatever that happen inside my brain..
I have no control, I have no solution, I have no grace of it.. and I do not have courage to face it..

Pathetic, after years of living.. I am still naive believing myself isn't having only that much..
year and years go by .. i told myself, i am not that sad.. i isnt that weak ..but always and always the reality will hit me .. slap me.. kicked me..to let me know..YES, you have every single sad thing that could be laid on you..and it will never leave..

Shereen told me, "You are grateful, You have more blessing received than i do.."
:) i am happy i am able to fake out what is happening toward me..
Just in case one day she read this.. I should at least explain to her that...
"i wasnt that fortunate as you see, ppl that is rich is not always happy.. You think i am happy is because thats what you think and what you see.."
I wonder if you get it, I believe you wouldnt love someone that is going to fake his sad life..
But u somehow gave me an answer i truly appreciate..
You isnt someone that could share my burden with me...
Yes, you do in some way.. but there is a major part in me that i see you unwillingness to bare it with me...
Once i realize that , i know i wont let myself cry anymore..
I will walk and go back to my shell,
Right now, eventhough my shell is my best friends for all this years, but what i thirsty for is something that could take care and share my burden with me ... but that something is not me..

Revolving circle isnt just something i thought out just like that...
I just always need to tell myself that stop being in a circle..
stop giving hope and lie to myself
stop hurting myself in the end...
stop believing things that will not happen...
and continue to just remember my destiny..
my fate..
is simply just like that...

Bare alone, Face alone..Live Alone..